Our Hearts

All this has happened to us,

but we have not forgotten You

or betrayed Your covenant.

Our hearts have not turned back;

our steps have not strayed from Your path.

~Psalm 44:17-18~

This Path Called Grief

It has been four long weeks

since Charley left our world for his eternal home.

I have yet to get through a single day without crying.

Most days I stay busy, going through the motions.

Every now and then I'm pulled out of my thoughts

and a touch of grace soothes my lonely, aching heart.

I'm thankful that my grief is not without hope,

because I know that I will see him again ...

yet ... with each passing day ... I miss him more.

Bittersweet Moments

Today is our first Father's Day without Charley.  My heart sank when I flipped the calendar from May to June and saw what was coming.  I wondered how on earth I would get through this day.  Then I remembered what happened years ago when I woke from a dream, which was a very vivid encounter with an angelic being, who handed me a precious little girl whose age I guessed to be somewhere between one and two.  This precious little girl and I instantly bonded, hugging and loving on each other as if we were already intimately acquainted in that special mother and child kind of way.  But then, all of a sudden, I had to give her back to this angelic being ... I hesitated, but only for a second, because I was literally flooded with a peaceful reassurance that she would be okay, that this was the right thing to do.

I woke up from that dream thinking, "what the heck was that all about?"  Most of my dreams make sense in some way or another, even if they're the product of a gastric afterthought, but this one impressed itself deep into my soul and left me wondering ...  We had been foster parents for a little while, so I thought maybe I would be getting a little girl soon and I would have to deal with the usual emotions that come with such encounters, caring for them and then giving them back ... but this felt like it was suppose to mean more to me ....

I walked into the kitchen that morning and grabbed a cup of coffee, then glancing at the calendar to remind myself what day it was, something a busy Mom often needs to do ... I stopped ... to stare ... in wonder ... at the date. It was Heather's birthday!  I suddenly realized what had happened.  My second born, who died shortly before turning four months old, was that precious little girl in my dream.  Here it was some 20 plus years later and she was reassuring me that she was okay and that her life was now filled with love and peace.    Somehow I really needed to know this on that particular birthday.  It was a turning point in my life.  I decided right then that I would make a birthday cake and I would, from that moment on, celebrate her life.

So, when I flipped the calendar and saw that Father's Day was looming on the horizon, I already had a good ten years of learning how to actively celebrate the life of someone who was no longer physically with us.  However, I wasn't so sure I could do that with Charley's loss being so recent and my heart still raw with grief.  I'm pretty sure the prayer that I shot up at that moment was one of those groaning ones, something like, "Ugh!"

Then, in God's perfect timing, that very morning a friend "happen" to stop by to visit me. She expressed her sympathy, handed me a card and after a few minutes of chatting, she hugged me and left.  I opened the card and found a gift certificate to one of Charley's favorite places to eat out.  I should not have been surprised ... it's just like God to send me reminders that He cares about these little things that mean so much to us.

So, yesterday, I braced myself for the onslaught of Father's Day greetings and comments on Facebook and in commercials ... and prepared myself to celebrate a life that I'm still crying over every hour on the hour ... and then ... this morning ... I had a dream ... my first dream ... of him ... in the three weeks since Charley said, "I think it's time to go."  The dream ended with us walking to a ball field to see a game ... he went on ahead of me and I was going to catch up and find him, right after I got done talking to someone ... as I walked towards the crowded bleachers and wondered how I would ever find him among all those people I saw him across the way and at that very moment he saw me ... I hurried to reach him . and . he ran . to me . and when he got close enough he grabbed me . smothering me with a hug and a kiss.

I woke up with a smile ... and a thankful heart.

The New Normal

Dear Charley,

It has been ten . very . long . days . since you left us ...

I am still on the verge of tears all the time and ready to weep at every turn ...

Even the simplest things are different now ...

shopping for groceries ...

making coffee ...

fixing dinner ...

washing clothes ...

winding down the evening ...

bedtime prayers.

Your boy is doing a great job interceding for us,

but it's just . so . different ....

I'm trying to make wise decisions about our future ...

but I can't seem to make up my mind on what to do ...

I really hope I don't screw this up.

School lets out tomorrow ...

I'm dreading the long summer without you.

My heart aches for you ... so much.

I miss you holding my hand ...

telling me that you love me ...

kissing me goodnight.

I Will Love You Always

The love of my life left me in the wee hours of the morning on Memorial Day.

His journey on earth was done.

His fight with cancer won ... 

for sometimes healing isn't what we want or expect it to be, here on earth, 

but at the first steps of eternity.

I will be forever grateful that he wanted to pass away at home.  

I admit that I was nervous about that at first ... 

but I soon discovered that I was literally standing on holy ground.

It is an amazing thing to watch someone with one foot in both worlds ... 

crossing over ... 

jabbering away with excitement ... 

sometimes incoherent, sometimes clearly expressing his love for us ... 

and for God.

Wavering ... but only because he was caught,

between his love for us and his greater love for God ...

waiting til that right moment ...

to embrace the fullness of Life.

Leaving behind bittersweet tears ...

of grief mingled with joy,

because he no longer suffers,

but we remain ... to wait our turn ...

to join him on this blessed journey.

I will love you always, Charley Armstrong ... 

I will always ... 

love you.

On Being a Grandmother

I've been gushing over being a Grandmother ever since the "thought" of being one popped up. Suzy had her own unique way of letting us know that she was expecting, but it didn't matter how she told us, I was bound to express my joy with tears. I get those tears a lot when I see this precious child.

When I was growing up I would see television shows or cartoons of Grandmothers sharing pictures of their grandchildren.  I never really understood the commentaries of such events, whether amusing or critical.

Now I get it.

And, now I get why my own Grandmother enjoyed me 
sending her pictures of her grandchildren.

I wish that I had sent her more.

Taking it One Day at a Time

So, my last entry, posted the end of August, started out by exclaiming how I couldn't believe it had been five months since I had blogged, and now I'm finally blogging again seven months later. It's not that I procrastinate writing something, I just don't think about it. I'm on FaceBook every single day, and my status updates there keep everyone up to date on what's happening in my life. This blog was meant for deeper thoughts and revelations, but finding the time to pull together those thoughts are few and far between ... yet, here I am, on a rainy, cold Easter morning, trying to sum up half a year of "living the life" which I'm now taking one day at a time.

In the last year I've learned that I can no longer plan ahead, not even a few days. I've learned that I need to write all our appointments in pencil, whether they be doctor visits, tennis practice or church activities. Between the weather cancelling events, unexpected illnesses and just plain fatigue on my part, plans change.  That use to bother me, because it was just one more thing outside of my control ... really ... one more thing that I can't have a handle on? But, I'm finding out that this is the best way to learn to TRUST God, when you don't know what the future will bring, even if it's just tomorrow and not "years" that define "future" ....  I'm not exactly "comfortable" living one day at a time, but I'm getting there and I'm finding that the more I "let go" of what it is I want to control, the less stress I feel and peace invades my life a little bit more.

So, what has happened in the last seven months? The kids survived their first semester of public high school. They're learning how to interact with people who have different ways of thinking, or believing, than they do. We became grandparents for the first time. Our grandson brings a new dimension of precious love and laughter into our lives. I only wish we lived closer so that we could see him and his parents more often. Charley's new treatment plan did not work, so he began another one which seems to have more effective blood results.  My cousins and Uncle, from Ohio, blessed us with a visit during Thanksgiving.  We added another dog to the family. Macey is a sweetheart and great company for Delilah. We entered the world of sports, with our exchange student playing soccer and Donovan playing tennis.  Donovan also picked up the trumpet, so we're back to attending school concerts, which we haven't done since Joey played the tuba in high school. I joined the youth leaders at our church for a study in "true love waits" and have really enjoyed getting to know these wonderful young people. I also stepped into the role of team leader for the third Monday night meal ministry that our church serves to the community.  We did some respite fostering where we enjoyed having a lively 16 month old for a weekend. Most days I need a nap to keep up with all these activities. *smile*

We recently decided that it would be in our best interest to sell our house and move into something that would be more affordable for all of us. Our number one priority is God's will, and where that leads is really unknown to us, at this time. We hope we will be staying in our present town, with the kids attending the same school and close to our church. Ideally, I would like for Mandy and her roommate to remain with us wherever we go, but whether or not that's God's will remains to be seen. I try not to get anxious over the thought of them not being with us ... that's just borrowing trouble .... and not taking it "one day at a time."

Catching Up on Life

I cannot believe it has been five months since I last posted a blog entry!

Life has been crazy busy, but not so much that I can't stop and catch my breath.

Suzy and Brian are expecting their first child, a boy, whom they named Bennett Lee.
I'm looking forward to being a Grandmother!!!

Joey and Caitlin are coming up on their one year anniversary,

whereas Charley and I will be celebrating 17 wonderful years together this weekend.

I love that it falls on the first Sunday of the month, which means communion Sunday.

The kids, which now includes an Armenian exchange student, are enrolled and ready for high school.

Olivia will turn 14 the first week of school. Where did the time go????

Charley is in the beginning stages of his fourth treatment for myeloma. The other three just didn't do the trick in lowering his protein levels.  The new drug was just released from clinical trials earlier this year. I'm hoping we don't have to go out of state, which is what his doc says will happen if this drug doesn't work.

I will be so glad when winter gets here ... I'm looking forward to cooler weather, our first grandchild .... and ..... no more election junk in the news.

Treasure Them, One By One

I'm not sure why I feel compelled to write this ... but I've learned not to stifle the Spirit when I get a nudge to do something.  I'm sure a "title" will come to me by the time I finish writing it all out. (as you can see, it did)

For some reason I'm suppose to share about pain ... more specifically my life with pain ... which started about 22 years ago.  It's hard for me to believe that it's been that long.

I started out having pain in the joints of my fingers and thought maybe I was just "inheriting" the family genetics for arthritis. That pain spread throughout my entire body so that I pretty much felt like I had the flu, all the time. I quickly learned that if I "overdid it" then I would feel more like I had been hit with a Mack Truck. Being a single-mom to three very active children, and working full time, made it difficult not to "overdo" things.

My doctor was concerned and sent me to a specialist, who did some blood work, which showed elevated levels of ANA, meaning that my body was indeed fighting "something" ... so we tested for lupus, lymes, rheumatoid arthritis and various other diseases.  Thankfully I did not test positive for any of those things. The specialist that I went to poked me all over and after asking certain questions diagnosed me with fibromyalgia (FMS). Having a name for what was ailing me helped, but once I started doing research on what that particular diagnosis meant ... well, it was very discouraging.

I was put on the typical regime of pills to help me sleep better at night. FMS sufferers need that "deep" REM sleep that releases hormones from various organs to aid in healing your muscles from everyday wear and tear. I did feel some improvement, as in a bit less pain and fatigue, but the realization that the pills I was taking would eventually stop working and need to be increased, along with the very expensive blood work that needed to be done every six months, led me to look for alternative solutions.

I searched out support groups and message boards for other fibro sufferers and found them to be very depressing. What worked for one person did not work for another and the remedies were often expensive or difficult to maintain. So, I made a choice ... since there was no cure ... I would just endure and move on ... adjusting my schedule so that I would not have "fibro flares" and working around the daily pain.

There were a few times along the way when I would get really tired of putting on a brave front and take something to get a break from the pain.  I don't mean tylenol or ibuprofen ... that barely takes the edge off ... I mean taking something that requires a prescription. But even the non-narcotic relievers eventually stop working and require a higher dosage, so I put myself at risk whenever I take anything.

There was one pill that is marketed for fibro sufferers that worked remarkably well, so well in fact that I ended up hurting myself without knowing it ... I was outside pulling weeds and enjoying the ability to stoop, stand, bend over and walk with no pain whatsoever ... and then later in the day I noticed that underneath all my fingernails were purple bruises from where I had tugged the weeds too hard ... the pill numbed the nerve endings so well that I was worker harder than I realized.

Philip Yancey wrote a book called, "The Gift of Pain", which talked about leprosy and how not feeling pain caused people with that disease to not realize that they had hurt themselves, so they had the potential to end up doing serious harm to their body, sometimes requiring amputation.  My experience with the one pill definitely showed that not being able to feel any pain at all could cause more harm than good. Along the way I eventually had to ask myself, "why do you really need to be completely pain free anyway?"

So, what's it like being me? I wake up exhausted, even after a "good night's sleep" (which for me means no insomnia that night). I ache from the top of my head to the tips of my toes, all day long ...


(okay, mentally unblocking so I can take inventory)

I can literally feel the tight ache in my scalp ... in the bones around my eyes ... in my skull and in the muscles of my neck ... I feel the knots in my shoulders and all the joints in my arms ... I feel every digit in my fingers ... I feel the tightness across my lower back ... my hip bones ... throbbing knees ... tense muscles in my calves ... throbbing ankles ... feet ... toes ....

If I really focus I can find some pain free areas ... like my eyebrows. *smile*

Okay, back to blocking it all out ....

I was working full time, years ago, but I missed one of my Sunday afternoon "crash naps" (to attend an award ceremony) and ended up not being able to get out of bed the following Tuesday ... I literally could not lift my head off the pillow ... and Donovan was in a crib across the hall.  For the first time in ten years I had to call in sick. That scared me. I knew then that I needed to make a decision on what was really important ... I needed to be a Mom and I needed to be a Wife, but I did not "need" to be a Secretary.

Most people, when they look at me, have no idea how much pain I'm in ... and I see no point in telling them. I just live my life and do the best I can to keep up with my duties as a wife and mother.  From time to time I have worked a part-time job, but eventually it catches up to me and I have to reassess what's important again.  Even being a foster-parent required pacing out how often we took in children.

I like to help out and volunteer my services ... like with our church's meal ministry ... although after a couple of hours setting up, serving food or washing dishes, my feet will start to cramp ... regardless of what shoes I wear (even going barefoot doesn't help) ... so, then I'll be busy flexing my feet, working out the cramps ... and looking like a toddler doing the "gotta go" jig.

I wish I could do more ....

Like my brother, Paul, I've prayed for this thorn to be removed, but it's not going anywhere ... and at this point I really don't care anymore ... I think about heaven a lot ... and that "Day" when I will no longer have this pain ... I really don't like having these limitations put on me, but I know that they are there for a reason ...  and God's grace really is sufficient ... I just trust Him ... taking each day as it comes ... and treasure them, one by one.

Endurance

We are studying the book of Revelation during our Wednesday evening service. It's fascinating, even exciting, to talk about the end of the age, the great tribulation, and the Lord's return.  Over the years my thoughts about one particular aspect of end time teaching has changed. There are several views, or interpretations, regarding the rapture. The rapture has been classified into the following categories: pre-trib, mid-trib, post-trib and pre-wrath.  The following scriptures are why I believe the way I do now ....  

First, a reading from Matthew, chapter 24:3-22, 29-31.

While He was sitting on the Mount of Olives, the disciples approached Him privately and said, "Tell us, when will these things happen? And what is the sign of Your coming and of the end of the age?"  Then Jesus replied to them: "Watch out that no one deceives you. For many will come in My name, saying, 'I am the Messiah.' and they will deceive many.

You are going to hear of wars and rumors of wars. See that you are not alarmed, because these things must take place, but the end is not yet.

For nation will rise up against nation, and kingdom against kingdom.

There will be famines and earthquakes in various places.  All of these events are the beginning of birth pains.

Then they will hand you over for persecution, and they will kill you. You will be hated by all nations because of My name.

Then many will take offense, betray one another and hate one another. Many false prophets will rise up and deceive many.

Because lawlessness will multiply, the love of many will grow cold.

But the one who endures to the end will be delivered.

This good news of the kingdom will be proclaimed in all the world as a testimony to all nations. And then the end will come.

So when you see the abomination that causes desolation, spoken of by the prophet Daniel, standing in the holy place" (let the reader understand), "then those in Judea must flee to the mountains!  A man on the housetop must not come down to get things out of his house. And a man in the field must not go back to get his clothes. Woe to the pregnant woman and nursing mothers in those days! Pray that your escape may not be in winter or on a Sabbath. For at that time there will be great tribulation, the kind that hasn't taken place from the beginning of the world until now and never will again!

Unless those days were limited, no one would survive. But those days will be limited because of the elect.

Immediately after the tribulation of those days: The sun will be darkened, and the moon will not shed its light; the stars will fall from the sky, and the celestial powers will be shaken.

Then the sign of the Son of Man will appear in the sky, and then all the peoples of the earth will mourn; and they will see the Son of Man coming on the clouds of heaven with power and great glory.

He will send out His angels with a loud trumpet, and they will gather His elect from the four winds, from one end of the sky to the other.

In the book of Revelation, chapter six, when the fifth seal is opened, John sees, "under the altar the souls of those slaughtered because of God's word and the testimony they had. They cried out with a loud voice: "O Lord, holy and true, how long until You judge and avenge our blood from those who live on the earth?"

They are given a white robe and told to "rest a little while longer until the number of their fellow slaves and their brothers, who were going to be killed just as they had been, would be completed."

In the very next chapter, John sees an angel go out to seal 144,000 "slaves of God" on their forehead. These are from the 12 tribes of the sons of Israel.  Then he sees a "vast multitude from every nation, tribe, people, and language, which no one could number, standing before the throne and before the Lamb."  When he is asked, "Who are these people robed in white, and where did they come from?"  He replies, "Sir, you know."

Then he is told, "These are the ones coming out of the great tribulation."

After the seventh seal, and the seven trumpets we are told about the beast who "deceives" and "requires everyone - small and great, rich and poor, free and slave - to be given a mark on his right hand or on his forehead, so that no one can buy or sell unless he has the mark: the beast's name or the number of his name."

After all of these things, in chapter 14, we see an angel "flying in mid-heaven, having the eternal gospel to announce to the inhabitants of the earth - to every nation, tribe, language, and people."  Then another angel who warns against anyone taking the mark or worshiping the beast.

In verse 12 the angel says, "Here is the endurance of the saints, who keep the commandments of God and the faith in Jesus."

Then John hears a loud voice from heaven saying, "Write: Blessed are the dead who die in the Lord from now on."  "Yes," says the Spirit, "let them rest from their labors, for their works follow them!"

Here is where I pause, and ponder, and hope.  "Then I looked, and there was a white cloud, and the One like the Son of Man was seated on the cloud, with a gold crown on His head and a sharp sickle in His hand."  An angel comes out of the sanctuary and says to the One seated on the cloud, "Use your sickle and reap, for the time to reap has come, since the harvest of the earth is ripe."  So the One seated on the cloud harvested the earth.

After this we read about the bowl judgments, which are the "seven last plagues" in which God's wrath will be completed.  And thus, Babylon falls and heaven exults.

Revelation, chapter 19, invites us to share in the marriage feast of the Lamb.  His wife "has prepared herself" and "was permitted to wear fine linen, bright and pure."  Verse 8, "For the fine linen represents the righteous acts of the saints."

The rider, who is called "Faithful and True" appears, on a white horse. On his robe and on His thigh is written, "King of Kings and Lord of Lords."

Then we read about the beast and the false prophet being thrown alive into the lake of fire, satan is bound and the saints reign with the Messiah.

Who are these saints? these are the ones "who had been beheaded because of their testimony about Jesus and because of God's word, who had not worshiped the beast or his image, and who had not accepted the mark on their foreheads or their hands."

Second Timothy 2:11-13, "This saying is trustworthy: For if we have died with Him, we will also live with Him; if we endure, we will also reign with Him; if we deny Him, He will also deny us; if we are faithless, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny Himself."

James 5:10-11, "Brothers, take the prophets who spoke in the Lord's name as an example of suffering and patience. See, we count as blessed those who have endured. You have heard of Job's endurance and have seen the outcome from the Lord: the Lord is very compassionate and merciful."

Everything I've read has warned me to be prepared for suffering, persecution, tribulation, even death.  I also know that God's wrath will not be poured out upon His children. It will be poured out on the unbelieving, degenerate worshipers of the beast.  So, in my studies of end times I have come to share the "pre-wrath" view.  I take great comfort in knowing that I will not be alone during any trial. Just as my God was with Noah, the Israelites in the wilderness, Daniel, Esther, Peter, Paul, Timothy, John and all the saints before us ... He WILL be with me.

Mark 13:13, "And you will be hated by everyone because of My Name. But the one who endures to the end will be delivered."

Living in Obedience

Olivia came into our lives in the merry month of May.  She was in Kindergarten at the time. For a child who lived in a car, hotel, shelter or wherever her parents could manage to stay, she had little, if any, experience with a typical "Sesame Street" preschool education.  Her exposure to school opened up a whole new world of knowledge and imagination.

After a happy summer adjusting to her new home, she started First Grade, joining her big brother on the bus, delighting in a whirl-wind of activities.  It wasn't long before I noticed a trend in the papers she brought home. The papers that she did in class were all one hundred percent correct, however, the papers she did on her own were less than half right.  I worried about her falling behind, especially since she was already at a disadvantage with her prior limited knowledge.  Not to mention, she was still acting out experiences that should have been part of her "typical" toddler years.

In the background of my mind was a nudge, a calling, if you will, from God, telling me to take the children out of school and teach them at home.  Two of my children had already graduated from public school and one was in high school, close to graduating.  The idea of teaching the youngest two at home would be new and different.  I was a Teacher's Aide for almost ten years, so I felt up to the challenge and figured that if God wanted me to do this, then He would help me though it.  My thinking was that He wanted me to take them out during their middle school years, but seeing how much Olivia was struggling I knew He wanted me to start teaching them as soon as possible.

We started out with separate grade levels, Donovan going into 3rd and Olivia into 2nd grade.  It wasn't long before it just made sense for the two of them to work their subjects together.  The added bonus to teaching them at home was that Olivia had a chance to bond with us, which I think is what attributes to most people thinking we've had her since birth.

So, here we are seven years later, and suddenly my world has been turned upside down.  That nudge, or calling, if you will, from God, is now telling me to put them back in public school.  After the initial shock wore off, over the course of the day, I got pretty emotional and could not stop the tears.  I have grown very comfortable having these two at home.  I enjoyed learning new things with them and seeing their excitement over the things they were learning.  I can see the benefits of them going to high school, but I selfishly want them with me.

Once I was able to carry on a decent conversation without dissolving in tears I told the kids what was going on.  We addressed any questions or concerns they had and talked about how easy it is to "trust" God when we don't have any challenges.  Going to school will give them many opportunities to stretch their faith and put to the test what they really believe.  Then we looked at the courses that are available and talked about what areas they might be interesting in pursuing.  It's going to be a big adjustment, and I'm pretty sure that Fall will arrive far too quickly, but I think we're going to be okay ... because we are living in obedience.

Six years of uncertainties, doubts, fears and healing.


Six years of fighting, struggling, questioning, 


then finally resting, trusting that He really does know best


and it will all be for good.


Suddenly, a letter arrives, 


with a picture of a guy, 


hugging a tree, 


literally.


I had picked out his name many moons ago, 


for "when" not "if" ...


it seemed too good to be true, 


that this guy would be picked, chosen, if you will, 


by the One who knew what was best, 


and indeed it was a much better choice 


than the one made which caused a great deal of heartache and distress 


for ten long years.


Joy overflowed from everyone who joined us in celebrating our union 


and new life together, 


a humble affair, but so rich in love,


and what makes for a "happily ever after" ending.