Friday, July 26, 2013


You've been gone a mere two months,

and still ...

my heart aches

like the very first morning,

with each reminder of your absence.

I could change that,

remove the clothes,

the personal effects,

and pack away those things

which move me to tears

with just a glimpse.

But, I won't

because even though those things

might cause me to gasp in grief

I want them ...

no, I need them, near.

Otherwise I think

the loneliness would become

much too L.O.U.D.

I'm slowly adjusting to the ache

because I know it just means

my heart


beats a little differently.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

You Have Encircled Me

Lord, You have searched me and known me.
You know when I sit down and when I stand up;
You understand my thoughts from far away.
You observe my travels and my rest;
You are aware of all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue,
You know all about it, Lord.
You have encircled me;
You have placed Your hand on me.
This extraordinary knowledge is beyond me.
It is lofty; I am unable to reach it.
~Psalm 139:1-6~

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Don't Cling to Me

Someone recently said to me that within the next 21 days Charley would "communicate" with me by doing a particular thing.

You know, honestly, I would love to hear from my husband ... 

but it doesn't work that way.

I have lots of questions for him ...


how did you know it was time to go?

what should I do about ...?

what do you think about ...?

do you miss me, like I miss you???

Jesus knows and understands this emotional attachment I struggle with ....

He said to Mary Magdalene, “Don’t cling to Me,” when she finally recognized Him.

If someone tells you not to do something, it's usually because you are doing it ... which means she WAS clinging to Him.

I get that ... totally.

I do not think that Charley would want me to "cling to him" either ....

If I'm honest with myself, I should not attempt to look for Charley HERE ... 

I should fully and completely expect him to be THERE.

I should trust my memories of our 18 years together to reassure me that, yes, he did love me ... after all he certainly went above and beyond as a husband and father, working to provide for our needs until he could, literally, no longer walk out the door ....

and if he knew I wanted to know ... I believe ... he would ... without hesitation ... say he missed me.

But he's not here .... he's THERE ... 

.... and he's not an angel watching over me.

And that's okay ...

I already have a Shepherd taking care of me ...

And he would appreciate that.

I think the reason that Heaven is Eternal is because we, even in casting off our mortal tent, need that "time" to process ... grasp ... absorb ... the "inexpressible" of which we cannot speak.

I may continue to weep every day for what I miss, but I cannot cling to or try to bind Charley to earth ...

because I love him ... that much.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

The Lord is my Rock

The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my deliverer,

my God, my mountain where I seek refuge,

my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

~Psalm 18:2~

Sunday, July 7, 2013

A Sure Thing

But as for me, Lord, 

my prayer to You is for a time of favor.

 In Your abundant, faithful love, 

God, answer me with Your sure salvation. 

~Psalm 69:13~

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Beautiful Eulogy

There used to be a time when we were fine living life with no particular religious bend. Pretending to be our own Gods inventing our own system of belief so as to not depend on anything other than our own self governing consent. Defending an impending doom with no perceived need to concede or repent. Presuming our innocence in a sense dissent. The sting of death was only the inevitable end of everything we could never rightly understand or comprehend. We used to fear the unknown until God made himself known and atoned mending the relationship between God and men. Giving his life as a ransom for many when he died and ascended and in that one event the certainty of eternal death was circumvented. Making a way for the day when history stops and time suspends. Spending eternity in fellowship that never ends. We see the greatest expression of God's love extended in the moment when those who were once enemies instead became God's friends.

When it is my time to go, go ahead and take me home, I know I'll be with you. I know I'll be with you.  When it is my time to go, go ahead and take me home, go ahead, I'd rather go, I wanna be with you.

How sweet the Gospel sounds to ears like mine. Well acquainted with pain and strained relationships. Friendships that suffer from long distances, or even worse they get severed from something more severe. And He still hasn't wiped away all my tears yet. My cheeks get wet every now and then. Even when I give my best, I know I fall short. I get scared when the balls in my court. Focused on, my performance, wretched and poor. It makes the message more real when I preach it. I'm not there yet so I'm reaching, reaching for a goal, to stand before my King and be speechless. Then, never again, will I question if his grace is sufficient to cover my sin. Cause death is gone, and all the effects of, evil and wrong will be conquered when His kingdom comes. So this is my hope and my prayer. The air that I'll breath in eternity with lungs that never fail me. If it pleases my Lord, and only by Your grace, use my life till it's poured out for Your sake. Until then I'll remain where You have me, with joy when I feel unhappy. And a peace that surpasses all my understanding, my life is in the hands of Your love everlasting.

When it is my time to go, go ahead and take me home, I know I'll be with you. I know I'll be with you.  When it is my time to go, go ahead and take me home, go ahead, I'd rather go, I wanna be with you.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Our Hearts

All this has happened to us,
but we have not forgotten You
or betrayed Your covenant.
Our hearts have not turned back;
our steps have not strayed from Your path.
~Psalm 44:17-18~