Bittersweet Moments

Today is our first Father's Day without Charley.  My heart sank when I flipped the calendar from May to June and saw what was coming.  I wondered how on earth I would get through this day.  Then I remembered what happened years ago when I woke from a dream, which was a very vivid encounter with an angelic being, who handed me a precious little girl whose age I guessed to be somewhere between one and two.  This precious little girl and I instantly bonded, hugging and loving on each other as if we were already intimately acquainted in that special mother and child kind of way.  But then, all of a sudden, I had to give her back to this angelic being ... I hesitated, but only for a second, because I was literally flooded with a peaceful reassurance that she would be okay, that this was the right thing to do.

I woke up from that dream thinking, "what the heck was that all about?"  Most of my dreams make sense in some way or another, even if they're the product of a gastric afterthought, but this one impressed itself deep into my soul and left me wondering ...  We had been foster parents for a little while, so I thought maybe I would be getting a little girl soon and I would have to deal with the usual emotions that come with such encounters, caring for them and then giving them back ... but this felt like it was suppose to mean more to me ....

I walked into the kitchen that morning and grabbed a cup of coffee, then glancing at the calendar to remind myself what day it was, something a busy Mom often needs to do ... I stopped ... to stare ... in wonder ... at the date. It was Heather's birthday!  I suddenly realized what had happened.  My second born, who died shortly before turning four months old, was that precious little girl in my dream.  Here it was some 20 plus years later and she was reassuring me that she was okay and that her life was now filled with love and peace.    Somehow I really needed to know this on that particular birthday.  It was a turning point in my life.  I decided right then that I would make a birthday cake and I would, from that moment on, celebrate her life.

So, when I flipped the calendar and saw that Father's Day was looming on the horizon, I already had a good ten years of learning how to actively celebrate the life of someone who was no longer physically with us.  However, I wasn't so sure I could do that with Charley's loss being so recent and my heart still raw with grief.  I'm pretty sure the prayer that I shot up at that moment was one of those groaning ones, something like, "Ugh!"

Then, in God's perfect timing, that very morning a friend "happen" to stop by to visit me. She expressed her sympathy, handed me a card and after a few minutes of chatting, she hugged me and left.  I opened the card and found a gift certificate to one of Charley's favorite places to eat out.  I should not have been surprised ... it's just like God to send me reminders that He cares about these little things that mean so much to us.

So, yesterday, I braced myself for the onslaught of Father's Day greetings and comments on Facebook and in commercials ... and prepared myself to celebrate a life that I'm still crying over every hour on the hour ... and then ... this morning ... I had a dream ... my first dream ... of him ... in the three weeks since Charley said, "I think it's time to go."  The dream ended with us walking to a ball field to see a game ... he went on ahead of me and I was going to catch up and find him, right after I got done talking to someone ... as I walked towards the crowded bleachers and wondered how I would ever find him among all those people I saw him across the way and at that very moment he saw me ... I hurried to reach him . and . he ran . to me . and when he got close enough he grabbed me . smothering me with a hug and a kiss.

I woke up with a smile ... and a thankful heart.