Treasure Them, One By One

I'm not sure why I feel compelled to write this ... but I've learned not to stifle the Spirit when I get a nudge to do something.  I'm sure a "title" will come to me by the time I finish writing it all out. (as you can see, it did)

For some reason I'm suppose to share about pain ... more specifically my life with pain ... which started about 22 years ago.  It's hard for me to believe that it's been that long.

I started out having pain in the joints of my fingers and thought maybe I was just "inheriting" the family genetics for arthritis. That pain spread throughout my entire body so that I pretty much felt like I had the flu, all the time. I quickly learned that if I "overdid it" then I would feel more like I had been hit with a Mack Truck. Being a single-mom to three very active children, and working full time, made it difficult not to "overdo" things.

My doctor was concerned and sent me to a specialist, who did some blood work, which showed elevated levels of ANA, meaning that my body was indeed fighting "something" ... so we tested for lupus, lymes, rheumatoid arthritis and various other diseases.  Thankfully I did not test positive for any of those things. The specialist that I went to poked me all over and after asking certain questions diagnosed me with fibromyalgia (FMS). Having a name for what was ailing me helped, but once I started doing research on what that particular diagnosis meant ... well, it was very discouraging.

I was put on the typical regime of pills to help me sleep better at night. FMS sufferers need that "deep" REM sleep that releases hormones from various organs to aid in healing your muscles from everyday wear and tear. I did feel some improvement, as in a bit less pain and fatigue, but the realization that the pills I was taking would eventually stop working and need to be increased, along with the very expensive blood work that needed to be done every six months, led me to look for alternative solutions.

I searched out support groups and message boards for other fibro sufferers and found them to be very depressing. What worked for one person did not work for another and the remedies were often expensive or difficult to maintain. So, I made a choice ... since there was no cure ... I would just endure and move on ... adjusting my schedule so that I would not have "fibro flares" and working around the daily pain.

There were a few times along the way when I would get really tired of putting on a brave front and take something to get a break from the pain.  I don't mean tylenol or ibuprofen ... that barely takes the edge off ... I mean taking something that requires a prescription. But even the non-narcotic relievers eventually stop working and require a higher dosage, so I put myself at risk whenever I take anything.

There was one pill that is marketed for fibro sufferers that worked remarkably well, so well in fact that I ended up hurting myself without knowing it ... I was outside pulling weeds and enjoying the ability to stoop, stand, bend over and walk with no pain whatsoever ... and then later in the day I noticed that underneath all my fingernails were purple bruises from where I had tugged the weeds too hard ... the pill numbed the nerve endings so well that I was worker harder than I realized.

Philip Yancey wrote a book called, "The Gift of Pain", which talked about leprosy and how not feeling pain caused people with that disease to not realize that they had hurt themselves, so they had the potential to end up doing serious harm to their body, sometimes requiring amputation.  My experience with the one pill definitely showed that not being able to feel any pain at all could cause more harm than good. Along the way I eventually had to ask myself, "why do you really need to be completely pain free anyway?"

So, what's it like being me? I wake up exhausted, even after a "good night's sleep" (which for me means no insomnia that night). I ache from the top of my head to the tips of my toes, all day long ...


(okay, mentally unblocking so I can take inventory)

I can literally feel the tight ache in my scalp ... in the bones around my eyes ... in my skull and in the muscles of my neck ... I feel the knots in my shoulders and all the joints in my arms ... I feel every digit in my fingers ... I feel the tightness across my lower back ... my hip bones ... throbbing knees ... tense muscles in my calves ... throbbing ankles ... feet ... toes ....

If I really focus I can find some pain free areas ... like my eyebrows. *smile*

Okay, back to blocking it all out ....

I was working full time, years ago, but I missed one of my Sunday afternoon "crash naps" (to attend an award ceremony) and ended up not being able to get out of bed the following Tuesday ... I literally could not lift my head off the pillow ... and Donovan was in a crib across the hall.  For the first time in ten years I had to call in sick. That scared me. I knew then that I needed to make a decision on what was really important ... I needed to be a Mom and I needed to be a Wife, but I did not "need" to be a Secretary.

Most people, when they look at me, have no idea how much pain I'm in ... and I see no point in telling them. I just live my life and do the best I can to keep up with my duties as a wife and mother.  From time to time I have worked a part-time job, but eventually it catches up to me and I have to reassess what's important again.  Even being a foster-parent required pacing out how often we took in children.

I like to help out and volunteer my services ... like with our church's meal ministry ... although after a couple of hours setting up, serving food or washing dishes, my feet will start to cramp ... regardless of what shoes I wear (even going barefoot doesn't help) ... so, then I'll be busy flexing my feet, working out the cramps ... and looking like a toddler doing the "gotta go" jig.

I wish I could do more ....

Like my brother, Paul, I've prayed for this thorn to be removed, but it's not going anywhere ... and at this point I really don't care anymore ... I think about heaven a lot ... and that "Day" when I will no longer have this pain ... I really don't like having these limitations put on me, but I know that they are there for a reason ...  and God's grace really is sufficient ... I just trust Him ... taking each day as it comes ... and treasure them, one by one.