Charley's Insight

A little over two years ago, just before Thanksgiving, an ear infection suddenly turned into a life threatening episode with meningitis for Charley.  It still amazes me how quickly we found ourselves transported from the comfort of our living room to the sterile environment of the Critical Care unit.  As I hovered nearby, watching Charley wake up to awareness of who we were and slowly accept what had happened to him, I could not help but wonder what might have been ....  We have always been a family that understood the importance of hugging someone and telling them that you love them, just in case ... this took on an even greater significance after Charley's near brush with eternity.

When Charley was transferred out of Critical Care and into a regular room to fully recover from his ordeal the first thing he wanted was a Bible.  I could not put my finger on it, at the time, but I did notice that there was a greater sense of urgency and need behind his wanting to read the scriptures.  I admit that I was a little baffled to see him break down and weep when he got to John 3:16 ... such a familiar verse in our lives and yet this time it was read with great emotion.  After he had fully recovered and returned to work again, he eventually told me that he had seen some things while he was hovering between our world and the eternal ... mostly peaceful things, but some, which he would not go into detail, were unsettling.  He mentioned, briefly, seeing the faces of demons ... and other things ... which only confirmed how near death he had been.

Charley's awareness of what could have been ... then ... helped him to face what was happening earlier this year, when he realized that the surgery to remove the tumor from his spine was not as successful as we had hoped.  He had already been given a glimpse of the eternal, so he could face it with peace ... he knew what to expect and he knew where he was going.  After seeing everyone near and dear to him, and expressing his love for them that weekend, he suddenly blurted out, "Well, I think it's time to go."

If I ever had even the tiniest doubt about eternity, they were all quickly dispelled in those moments of watching him peacefully prepare to meet his Maker.  To this day I still wonder over what he saw, as he reached for the ceiling ... and though I could not make out what he was saying, there was no doubt that it was something marvelous to behold, as he spoke nonstop towards the end, with great excitement in his voice.

This insight into eternity was something that Charley wanted everyone he loved and knew to share.  Charley prayed every single day for the salvation of every single person he encountered in life.  I can still hear his voice echoing in my mind as he prayed for all of his nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, cousins, brothers, sisters and friends ... and he always ended his prayers thanking God for the gift of salvation and the love of Jesus Christ.

This Christmas, I hope that you, dear reader, have received this gift of salvation ... for indeed, God ... so loved ... the world ... that He gave ... His Son ... so that you, too ... might face death and eternity with peace.

Share the Comfort

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort. ~2 Corinthians 1:3-7~

This passage has become a familiar activity throughout the many trials in my life, taking comfort and sharing in comfort.  Such a simple word ... comfort ... but so full of depth and meaning ... for in receiving comfort I take into my life, my soul, if you will ... love ... hope ... peace ... and then I have the privilege of sharing in comforting others.

Yet He knows the way I have taken; 

when He has tested me, 

I will emerge as pure gold. ~Job 23:10~

Jangle

Thirteen years does not seem like a very long time, but for some cats it is ...

I cherished our last few weeks together ...

She will be greatly missed ...

Rest in Peace

Jangle

6/29/00 - 11/12/13

One Thing Remains

We sang this song during worship today,
it touched my heart in a powerful way ...
so much so that I needed to "capture" it here,
so that I can return to it as often as possible ...

Higher than the mountains that I face

Stronger than the power of the grave

Constant through the trial and the change

One thing remains

One thing remains

Your love never fails, never gives up

Never runs out on me

Your love never fails, never gives up

Never runs out on me

Your love never fails, never gives up

Never runs out on me

Because

On and on and on and on it goes

It overwhelms and satisfies my soul

And I never, ever, have to be afraid

One thing remains
One thing remains

Your love never fails, never gives up

Never runs out on me

Your love never fails, never gives up

Never runs out on me

Your love never fails, never gives up

Never runs out on me

In death,

In life,

I’m confident

and

covered by the power

of Your great love

My debt is paid,

there’s nothing that can

separate my heart

from Your great love...

Your love never fails, never gives up

Never runs out on me

Your love never fails, never gives up

Never runs out on me

Your love never fails, never gives up

Never runs out on me

and just in case I forget what it sounds like ...

One Thing Remains
sung by Jesus Culture

October

This month is full of birthdays ...

nearly two dozen that I know of ...

friends

family

our grandson's first

and

another first

yours

which we will celebrate

without you ...

we will have your favorites

something Asian

cake and ice cream

most likely chocolate

a glass of wine (for me)

maybe a movie ...

all the things you would do

if you were here

instead of there

I'll plaster on a smile

and laugh ...

for their sake

and then

behind closed doors

(or not)

I'll cry ....

September 2nd

Eighteen years ago
we started painting a life together.

A life full of various colors.

Our love, a shade of red,

and laughter, a hint of blue.
A touch of green held our quiet, 
peaceful moments,
with a sunny yellow 
filtering in warm contentment.
Purple, sometimes royal in brilliance,
shaded our times of renewal and growth.
A spark of orange would appear
during our daring adventures.
The occasional dab of grey
was added here and there
during times of sorrow or loss.
The colors varied with the seasons,
sometimes bright and bold,
sometimes a soothing, shy pastel.

Our vow, 18 years ago today,
was "for as long as we both shall live."
You put down your brushes
three months ago
and left me with a canvas
not yet complete.
You see what is already done
while I work to blend the colors right.
I labor on, but not alone,
for the One who guided both our hands
is with me still ... 
helping me finish the work
that He started in us.

Measuring Time

I could count the days, weeks, months ...

even hours ...

since you left this realm ...

but, it wouldn't change a thing ....

You

are

not

here.

Plain and simple.

I go through the motions ...

wake up,

cup of coffee, or two, or three ...

seek God's face ...

stay busy ...

some days easier than others ...

pay bills ...

run errands ...

groceries ...

church ...

take care of the kids ...

and the pets ...

and the house ...

walk with a friend ...

phone calls ...

live ...

breathe ....

til it's time to go to sleep ...

then toss and turn ...

til it's time to wake up again ....

Still

You've been gone a mere two months,

and still ...

my heart aches

like the very first morning,

with each reminder of your absence.

I could change that,

remove the clothes,

the personal effects,

and pack away those things

which move me to tears

with just a glimpse.

But, I won't

because even though those things

might cause me to gasp in grief

I want them ...

no, I need them, near.

Otherwise I think

the loneliness would become

much too L.O.U.D.

I'm slowly adjusting to the ache

because I know it just means

my heart

now

beats a little differently.

You Have Encircled Me

Lord, You have searched me and known me.

You know when I sit down and when I stand up;

You understand my thoughts from far away.

You observe my travels and my rest;

You are aware of all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue,

You know all about it, Lord.

You have encircled me;

You have placed Your hand on me.

This extraordinary knowledge is beyond me.

It is lofty; I am unable to reach it.

~Psalm 139:1-6~

Don't Cling to Me

Someone recently said to me that within the next 21 days Charley would "communicate" with me by doing a particular thing.

You know, honestly, I would love to hear from my husband ... 

but it doesn't work that way.

I have lots of questions for him ...

Like,

how did you know it was time to go?

what should I do about ...?

what do you think about ...?

do you miss me, like I miss you???

Jesus knows and understands this emotional attachment I struggle with ....

He said to Mary Magdalene, “Don’t cling to Me,” when she finally recognized Him.

If someone tells you not to do something, it's usually because you are doing it ... which means she WAS clinging to Him.

I get that ... totally.

I do not think that Charley would want me to "cling to him" either ....

If I'm honest with myself, I should not attempt to look for Charley HERE ... 

I should fully and completely expect him to be THERE.

I should trust my memories of our 18 years together to reassure me that, yes, he did love me ... after all he certainly went above and beyond as a husband and father, working to provide for our needs until he could, literally, no longer walk out the door ....

and if he knew I wanted to know ... I believe ... he would ... without hesitation ... say he missed me.

But he's not here .... he's THERE ... 

.... and he's not an angel watching over me.

And that's okay ...

I already have a Shepherd taking care of me ...

And he would appreciate that.

I think the reason that Heaven is Eternal is because we, even in casting off our mortal tent, need that "time" to process ... grasp ... absorb ... the "inexpressible" of which we cannot speak.

I may continue to weep every day for what I miss, but I cannot cling to or try to bind Charley to earth ...

because I love him ... that much.

The Lord is my Rock

The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my deliverer,

my God, my mountain where I seek refuge,

my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

~Psalm 18:2~

A Sure Thing

But as for me, Lord, 

my prayer to You is for a time of favor.

 In Your abundant, faithful love, 

God, answer me with Your sure salvation. 

~Psalm 69:13~